Why I hate airports and flying

So I had a brief trip out of town last week and it prompted me to share with you dear reader why I hate airports. Here goes...oh and feel free to share your peeves with the Moxster. OK, here we go:

1. screaming children. there should be a separate plane just for people and their screaming, asshole kids. you think your kid is cute, but NO ONE ELSE DOES. and usually the perpetrator is a white person with their kid named Aidan, Skylar, Ashleigh, or Taylor. little. bastards.

2. cramped seats. i mean, i know I gained weight over the year, but i didn't grow UP and my knees are still jacked up from sitting in those small seats. and the seat belts have shrunk I SWEAR because I feel as though I need an extender.

3. inconsistency in snack availability. if one serves pretzels, you all should dammit. it is what this country is based on.

4. uglier and uglier flight attendants. and where did all the gay ones go? Virgin Atlantic?

5. unexcited captains. Get excited. I'm excited to get there and so should you, you're driving! maybe it has something to do with #4.

6. the stanchion that separates "elite/gold/preferred" passengers from everyone else. i mean there is even a different rug. i was boarding on the appropriate side of the rug and this guy comes on the elite side. the employee stops taking my ticket and asks him if he is elite and begins to take his pass. he says, no, i'm just boarding like everyone else and she turns back around to take my ticket. and we looked at each other like: did that just happen? yes, it did. my philosophy is that if being in 1st class somehow keeps you from dying when the plane catches fire or crashes, then i understand the importance. however, if it's going down, we're all going down. except there will be a separate pit of burning flames for the preferred passengers and the rest of us will get smaller, cramped pits of fire.

7. business travelers. see #1 about separate plans. no, chad, jim, bob, and steve I don't want to listen to every stupid detail about your conference call where you are sure you got the promotion and how this one employer is going to offer you a sweet package if you take the job.

8. overpriced shit. obviously. i hate paying $5.00 for two Excedrin.

9. how airports are like malls. if you want to shop, shop at the mall. you want to fly, you go to the airport. the two should not meet. i see the point, but still...and the high end shit? souvenirs, i get, but $200 sunglasses, not so much.

10. women who wear fancy clothes to travel. i don't know how many husbands were won sitting on an airplane, but if that means i need to wear stilettos and snug bootcuts, i aint buyin, sister. airplanes are the new greyhound, there is no need to dress up.

11. TSA and orange alerts. every time i travel, no matter what time of year or what happens in the news, we are always on orange alert at the airport. we all know that is bullshit. i would complain, but i am too busy THROWING AWAY MY BOTTLED WATER THAT I BROUGHT FROM HOME SINCE TSA THINKS I'M GOING TO MAKE A BOMB WITH IT AND NOW I HAVE TO PAY $45,000 FOR ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WATER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SECURITY CHECK.

12. old women who take dumps in airport bathrooms. i suppose i could be one of those women one day, but for now i think it is gross. while we're on the subject of gross, i hate taking my shoes off in the security area. gross. they should give us little latex booties to wear while we stand there. talk about terrorist attack when the whole plane comes down with athlete's foot.

13. the guy who always wants to put his seat back. um, my tray table is DOWN and now it is in my gut thanks to you. there is no room - see #2 - and yet you want to attempt to be comfortable. this is also the guy who takes the extra blanket and pillow in the overhead. and is the father or uncle of the guy who just has to use his ipod and cell as soon as the plane touches down and can't keep his damn seat belt buckled until we reach the gate. I mean i get it, you're probably safe taking it off, but its the principle of just calming the fuck down.

14. the person who thinks he/she is the only one who is going to miss their connecting flight. um, if the WHOLE plane is late, then we're all late. and since we're in Bumfuck, USA chances are we're all getting on another plane, so simmer. aint shit they can do from here because you know SATAN designs the connecting schedule so that you are sure to arrive at gate C-1 and have to connect at gate Z-99. call your wife (after the captain says its OK of course) and tell that bitch to put your meatloaf in the fridge cuz you aint coming home on time.

It's enough to make a girl buy her own plane. I seriously can see why kajillionaires do it. Put your seat back as far as you want. There is leg room and the flight attendant is hot...and gay.