Notes on Mediocrity

So CYBT is a math whiz and suggested that I put my wordsmithing skills to use and become an online tutor. I knew I would not be qualified, but in some self-flagellating attempt to pursue new heights I took the subject exam. Ha. After failing the only subject I could be remotely qualified for, I was reminded of my mediocrity.

Somewhere in my adult life, I came to the conclusion that I was mediocre. There was nothing special about me: I am not a unique snowflake. That news in itself wasn't bad...a mere observation....a nod to self-awareness. What deepens this is the fact that I am not really good at anything.

I guess this all started one day when I was asked the question, "What do you do for fun? What are your hobbies?" I avoided the question because I didn't have an answer. When I think of hobbies, I think of rock climbing enthusiasts, crochet, stamp collecting, gardening, pianists, breeding champion show dogs, etc. I do none of that.

On job applications and resumes there is always a space for special skills or talents. That is also left blank for me. I don't have any special skills and while some ex-boyfriends may claim otherwise, I can't put that on a resume and I am sure there are other women who can do it better.

So somewhere in all this, I realized that I am mediocre; lacking in hobbies, specialties and strong points. I can't tutor anyone because I am not that good at English. And based on the tutor test, I may be pretty bad. I had borderline ACT/SAT scores. I only made the Dean's List twice in college. I never pursued an advanced degree. For all intents and purposes, I am a person of average intelligence that may be getting dumber as time progresses.

Look at my job: I am a fundraiser. I raise money for other people to actually achieve missions. Those who can't, fundraise.

I exude vagueness of ability.

I have average tastes...in everything.

I thought I could argue that I am a Jack of all Trades, but I don't have that many trades. So that definitely excludes me from being a Master of Anything.

Unless Mediocrity can be counted. Then I would be a Master of Mediocrity.

My fantasies and aspirations of being above the pack are practically dissolved. And I guess there isn't anything wrong with that. I have discarded lofty aspirations to be remembered, honored, or recognized for greatness. I never thought I could change the world, but at some point I wanted to have an impact and I don't think that's going to happen. No buildings named after me or national holidays in my honor...not that I was expecting the Nobel Prize or anything.

There are too many people on this earth for everyone to have an impact. And don't give me that that "to the world you are one person, but to one person" crap because that's also a crock of shit. When you're mediocre, you're not remarkable to other people. They use vague references about you that reflect their ignorance of everything about you from eye color to last name.

I have been reading a lot of Brazen lately and Penelope is all about specializing and marketing yourself. Why market yourself when you have nothing to market? I am sure there is some path to knowledge that I can get on, but at this point in my life, shouldn't I be good at something? I can't market being funny, a good writer, or Black: things that I am sorta good at. Do you know how many funny, Black literate people exist in America alone? If I were smarter, I could actually tell you that number.

And it's not like mediocre people don't excel. Look at our administration. But those people have connections. And I don't have those. (See above about people not really knowing who you are.) And because I come from a long line of mediocrity, I also don't have any money to support my mediocrity.

All this serves to say that maybe, just maybe, I am good--nay--the best at being mediocre, excelling at being average and unremarkable.

I suppose that in and of itself is some sort of accomplishment. Hmph.