Fancy Pants and Suite Irks

I work in a sprawling office building that is composed of many office suites. Sometimes it feels like an apartment building filled with supers and neighbors you dislike. In general, I don't like my neighbors. There is a law office on my floor, which from the looks of their clientele specialize in defending DUI offenders and small time drug traffickers. The lawyers themselves are like the used car salesmen of law, all they are missing are plaid or tweed blazers with dark green polyester pants. Then there is the competing nonprofit who also works with kids just down the hall from us. Always awkward when they ask you "how is the fundraising?" because you always want to say as cheerfully back: "Hopefully better than yours!"

There is some random company that occupies the north suite. It has one of those names that doesn't give you any clue as to what it does exactly. I just see boring white people go in and out all day. Then there is the office suite with these women who do a lot of paperwork and data entry. I think I despise them the most. I know I shouldn't, but I do. They are all sort of trashy and wear platform high heals with peddle pushers and sleeveless shirts. They all wear their lanyards conspicuously around their necks further exacerbating their godawful fashion. And they reek of cigarette smoke.

Then there are the creepy maintenance people. And the one leering Black security guard with a penchant for white women. To express my discontent with his leering and his racial bias I insisted on ignoring him every morning that I walked into the building. Then I felt guilty because he is older and maybe he just doesn't know any better. I'm speaking to him again.

There are shared bathrooms on the floor. I like to do my business alone. It makes me very uneasy when I have to use the bathroom with other people in the room. And I have the unfortunate luck of working with people who think going to the bathroom together is both a morale booster and efficient. Plus you are subjected to some sort of forced nicety or exchange when keying in or exiting the bathroom. I always feel weird applying make-up or fixing my hair while someone else is at the sink. I also have this weird habit of seeing if the other person washes their hands thoroughly or if they just run them under the water. I also hate when people who don't know better go into the stall right next to you. That helps contribute to my overall uneasiness about the whole thing. I don't like hearing other people pee and I certainly don't want them listening to me pee. I know it's a natural process, but a very personal one for me. I mean, dying is a natural process that everyone will experience at some point in their lives, but that doesn't mean I want to do it with three other strangers around me.

I also hate when I have to wait for the elevators with someone else. Again, you have to deal with some sort of stupid exchange about the weather or the length of waiting time for said elevator. However, I also get annoyed when one doesn't speak to me or answers my forced hello with a grumble, mumble or worse: nothing. I hate riding in elevators with other people; I like riding them alone. It seems like every time I'm in an elevator with someone, that's when I have to fart. It stresses me out. I hate when people press the button that is already lit like their press will make all the difference. When I see people like that I automatically think they are self-centered assholes. "Oh, you pressed the button already? Well, let me press it since the elevator can't possibly do anything unless I press it." These are usually the same people who run for elevators. Like, trust me dude, another one is coming. Promise.

There is the cleaning lady that I see most nights that I stay late. She's cool. I forgot her name and now it is too late to ask her without coming off like a total asshole. She knows my name, but I forgot hers. I know she has a son and a boyfriend and she hates the rising cost of food staples. I think her name is Rosa. I need to figure that out at some point. I also don't know where she is from, but I know it's not: a) here; b) Latin America; c) Australia or the UK or Ireland; or d) Africa. (oh, and not Asia) I think she's some sort of Eastern European. I want to ask, but then I would come off like some asshole American. I feel guilty when I try avoid her because sometimes she just complains about how she is short on time and staff, but she has so much building to cover. We'll usually talk about this for a good 15 mins each night. I also feel bad when I use the bathrooms after she has cleaned them. (Using the bathrooms after normal hours is perfect even if being the only person on the floor is creepy. Not to mention I can do a #2 in peace. The only thing I hate is when the motion-activated lights go out while I'm on the stall and when the automatic fragrance sprayer goes off scaring the shit out of me.)

I often change clothes in my office before I head off to the gym. I don't like to change there. I just want to get in and get things rolling. I'm facing mostly a parking garage, but I get this dirty/sexy/shameful feeling when changing because I wonder what poor sap getting in his/her car is looking over into my office while I squeeze into my sports bra. Whoever you are, sorry about that. I like to use my view of the garage as a gage on the pulse of the city. When there are no cars left at like 5:15, I know I should be leaving, too. Fun is to be had elsewhere, or bad weather is acomin'. If there are still a healthy amount of cars at 5:30, then I know I should keep on working. I always appreciate seeing the last car leave because I think: "That guy/gal is dedicated. Drive home safely and hopefully you have a nice meal waiting for you when you get home." When there are no cars left at 4:00, I always wonder what sort of slackers work around here that can bolt out of here like their work doesn't matter. I smugly continue working until at least 6:00.

I like working downtown, though. It has that big city Mary Tyler Moore thing going. Makes me feel all fancy pants important sometimes. Like look at me I work in a fancy pants office building doing fancy pants work that requires me to wear pantyhose when necessary and wrinkle free cotton pants when I don't have any meetings. I get a coffee beverage practically everyday because that is what fancy pants downtown employees do.