"I'm serious--selective alcoholism is the way to go. It's a coping mechanism. And I'm damn proud of it."
"I don't know whether to send her flowers or a card because she is dying to be me."
"You can't be first. You might be next."
"My friend ended up not doing her documentary on drag queens. Instead she did it on something stupid like starvation in Africa or something. How unoriginal and overplayed is that? We get it: they're hungry."
"You gotta get pissed at shit cuz shit aint right."
"Black men aren't ugly....see, that's what white women think. [To them] Black men aren't ugly unless they're poor."
"It’s hard being such a dynamic individual. I may be having an existentialist crisis, or I might just want to lose five pounds."
"Cut the games. I'll bring the scissors."
"Stolichnaya Vodka, in fact, may be a manifestation of my own desire in the physical plane......perhaps it exists only in my mind, and all who drink it join my fantasy."
Yeah, my mom left me at the hospital to go get crack and never came back. Ain't that a mess?
"I mean...I've never been sexually attracted to a cat, but if I were, it'd be a cheetah."
"Girl, if I was into women, I would owe you like a ton of child support."
"Guys, I have decided not to shave until they save the refugees of Darfur, or they vote off Sanjaya from Idol."
"Oh look: where did this piece of glass come from? I'm going to keep it and put it in my crotch just in case I get raped tonight."