Monday, June 25, 2007

I'd be cooler if I were a loner

Color me reality checked today. I have come to the conclusion that I need more friends. Of course, there are friends, associates, acquaintances, coworkers, colleagues, etc. I need more associates and "friends-lite". My friends need a break from me and their friend-loads (friend duties and responsibilities) are becoming too much: they need assistants. So, in an effort to build my personal circle, I have created the following Associate Friend position, which is currently accepting applications and will be hiring immediately.

http://cleveland.craigslist.org/act/359893724.html

Associate Friend Position
Reports to: Moxie Lady
Date Posted: 6/25/07

Socially-stunted 20-something seeking energetic, talented individuals to serve as Associate Friends. Responsibilities include:

  • eating meals out or preparing meals in
  • researching and scouting new bars/restaurants
  • attending and reviewing movies
  • weekend brunch appointments
  • attending art shows, rock shows, and live theatre shows
  • wingman services
  • walks in the park
  • occasional jaunts to strip clubs

The successful candidate will have:

  • 5-10 years of Friend, Associate, Acquaintance experience
  • A Lust for Life a la Iggy Pop
  • appropriate fashion sense
  • comprehensive knowledge of current events
  • the ability to operate in diverse crowds
  • an appreciation of chain restaurants
  • flexible schedule
  • a healthy appreciation of (not addiction to) cocaine
  • consistent appetite for dessert
  • entrepreneurial spirit

Benefits:

  • paid meals and drinks (on occasion)
  • funny forwards in your inbox
  • occasional drunk text messaging
  • wingman services

Moxie Lady is an Equal Opportunity friend. Women of color strongly encouraged to apply.

2 comments:

MisterElle said...

After reading your preferred qualifications, I think I am ready to apply for the position.

Kim said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasjkdlfhasjkdnsjkdfnaiuwle aew awerawje rnawe r;;;asd;f;asd;fas;df
;;*@#($&@#*%!#

I even had to use the shift key for that one.

That's fucking hilarious.

I need someone to pay my bills.